So you want to be a pimp do you? This process isn't as hard as you might think it is but neither is the road to pimpdom easy. We must learn from our elders, Bruce Lee, Richard Roundtree (Shaft), Ron O'Neal(Superfly). What we must learn is the number one rule to being a pimp.

1)Stay cool Man.
The key to being a pimp is to sit there and shut up. The man of few words always ends up looking tougher, and therfore more of a pimp than the person who is running their mouth off. Case and point Michael Jordon -vs- Gary Payton. Who has more respect in the NBA? Mike does. Who is a better player? Mike is. Who wins championships? Mike does. Who has a cooler nickname? That's a toss-up While "His Airness" is a pretty good nickname, "The Glove" is cool. Mike is quiet, not because he doesn't have a lot to say, it's just that Mike KNOWS pimp rule number two.

2)Actions Speak Louder Than Words.
If you talk all day about how you can get women and kick peoples asses, you are just hyping yourself out to be what you arent. I don't care if you think you CAN get all the women in the world, the more you talk about it, the more people hear it, and when you do get a girl, or kick someones ass(Which is NOT a pimp move, see rule #7), people will be let down, because what you say leaves marks in peoples minds. If you say nothing, and day after day people see you bringing girls back to your place, or if some Nazis are picking on a gay guy, jewish person, afro-american, and you step up to help him, THEN you look like a pimp. Personally, the people that talk about kicking ass and getting girls are the ones I least respect.

3)Dress To Impress, ALWAYS.
There are very few people who are going to be able to score girls in a pair of sweat pants and a set of Garfield slippers. Maybe a little more people can get a girl in a pair of baggy crack showing jeans, and a starter jacket, but I think that it is universally accepted that, both of those styles of dress are not appealing to women. While I cant exactly tell you what to buy I can guide you in HOW to buy. Here is something I would avoid: Owning clothes of all the same brand. I am sort of guilty in this. I own a LOT of Ralph Lauren:POLO clothes. I mean a lot. There is a reason to it though. Back when I wasn't a pimp, I was asked one day in school "Do you only have 3 shirts?". That comment hurt me a lot. I mean, here I was, just trying to be chummy and a woman dogs me. So I vowed that never again would I let someone rip on my clothes. But I didnt go buy Polo because it was Polo, I bought Polo because I like the quality of the clothing. I own shirts from many different companies, and out of all of them, the R.L Polo is by FAR the longest lasting as far as color staying, and cloth durability. Anyways, here is how to shop, and how NOT to shop. I am not a big fan of jeans, and I'll tell you why not. I feel that one should always be able to go out to dinner in what they are wearing, barring sports dress. That is why I only own one pair of jeans. Jeans are O.K when you are hanging out with your boys, but a true pimp always has a pair of Khakis, Slacks, or Cords on. Here is another fashion no-no. T-Shirts. Unless you are built like a stallion, you just aren't going to get away with wearing a T-Shirt. Instead, pick up a button-up oxford, or button up short sleeve shirt. Wear a nice rugby shirt (No numbers on the back PLEASE), or MAYBE a henley, but don't over indulge in those, they are more of a playtime shirt. Some pimps prefer to wear jewelry, but I don't. I don't like jewelry because I feel that it is effeminate. Perhaps it's a personal preference thing, but I wouldn't like my girlfriend asking me if she could borrow my earrings. Shoes are also a very important part of being a pimp. I will admit I break this next rule a LOT, but then again, I don't have to be an A+ pimp, since I have a girlfriend. DO NOT WEAR TENNIS SHOES WITH KHAKIS. It is a HUGE no-no, and the type of girl a pimp wants is someone who DOES recognize everything, down to the shoes. My parting words are this: Never buy clothes that your girlfriend likes. She is trying to customize you to her tastes, and that is a no-no. It is better to dress to your tastes, because you know what you like, and a true pimp listens to no one.

4)Smell Nice
You are never going to get a girl if you smell bad, so shower AT LEAST once a day. It is also nice to have a little bonus odor, I believe the world refers to it as cologne. I wear Tommy. I like it, I don't know anyone who wears it, so that it why I do. If someone I know starts to wear it, I will ask them not to If i know them personally because a pimp can be the only one to wear his certain fragrance. If you know what cologne someone wears, dont buy it. There are TONS of colognes out there, find your own. I like Paco by Paco Rabanne, and Polo Sport by Ralph Lauren. When I turn 30 perhaps Ill wear Polo, right now I kind of like the light and airy fragrances, because NEVER NEVER put on too much cologne. I have made that mistake before, and it is ALWAYS a no-no.

5)Speak Well
Nothing will have your degree in pimpology taken away quicker than poor english. I live in Minnesota right now. I'll tell you something, Minnesota is VERY low on pimps. People say such abhorrent things as "Borrow me a dollar"(yikes!) and "Aint no such thing" and "Gimme a dollar,hey" I want to gather them up and put them in third grade again. I won't go over the logistics as to why those phrases are wrong, just TRUST me, they are, truly. So you say "Matt, D.O.P"(Doctor Of Pimpology), "I have shit hole grammer, how can I be learned?". Here's how. Watch T.V. That's right. No one speaks poorly on T.V except perhaps the people on Hee-Haw, and a pimp wouldnt be watching TNN anyways.

6)If You're Not Funny, Shut up.
I am a very funny guy. Period. Im not being cocky, or lying to you. I am funny, I am witty, and I am looked at for these qualities because I know what is funny and what isn't. If you don't have this quality,then don't make jokes. No one likes someone that doesnt know when the joke is over, I look at it like this: It's like the Me too way of speaking. If someone makes a good snap, if you are prepared, make yours. Yours in the "Me Too" that makes sense, "Me Three" doesn't rarely will the third person attempting to make a funny get anything but a polite laugh. Look for the right times to make a joke. If you are on a first date, make fun of your date. I don't mean "Bitch, that a weave you got in?" that is plain mean. "I mean something like an inside joke. Make a humorous passing comment on a story they told that is relevant to something happening. It's hard to explain. If you cannot understand the intricacies of it, don't do it, more than not it will get you in trouble.

7)Girls HATE fighting.
I have yet to meet a girl that thought fighting was cool. It is better not to fight than to mix it up. If you absolutely have to , don't tell your girlfriend, it will only piss her off. In the 1860's, I'm sure that fighting was romantic, but now it looks like you are an inner city punk, and we all know, that punk and pimp just don't mix.